Schepers.cc

“We can rebuild him. We have the technology.”

What red-blooded American geek hasn't wished for superpowers, whether to vanquish despised tormentors, or to satisfy an urge for justice and freedom? And yet, how many superheroes are there? None. What, may I humbly inquire, is up with that? My mission on this page is to equalize that disparity by providing you with plans to realize your nascent dream. To fight for Truth, Justice, and ...uh... Well, heck. To become a Superhero.

Gear

Unless genetic engineering gets off its duff and starts churning out mutants, the closest we're likely to get to superpowers is the use of gizmos, gadgets, and geegaws. So, with no further ado, here's my shopping list for the well-heeled hero.

• “More Powerful Than a Locomotive...”
  Even longed to lift a car over your head? Well, the Berkeley Robotics and Human Engineering Laboratory is working on it for you. They, and a few other places, are designing a variety of exoskeletons (robotic suits than enhance the wearer's strength..you know, like Iron Man). They aim to make the wearer 3 to 10 times as strong, and able to travel 3 times as fast, for about the cost of a motorcycle. Sorry, though, kids--not even DARPA has these yet, so you'll have to wait. But maybe only until next year! Start saving those boxtops. Update! A group at MIT's BioInstrumentation Laboratory has made artificial muscles “100 times stronger than mammalian muscle,” out of electroactive polymers; simple products are expected out in a year or two. Ultimately, they hope to make a superman suit that will greatly increase the wearer's strength, maybe allowing soldiers to leap over 20-foot walls, which brings us to...
• “Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound...”
  Well, not quite, but these spring-loaded boots will let you jump higher than your average bear, and maybe outrun it. Alternately, you could use the petrol-powered piston-punching alternative, which may one day allow you to run at 60 kph (37 mph)! [NOTE: this is still only about half as fast as a cheetah.]
• The Amazing Wall-Crawler
  Those wacky Germans are at it again, and the result is a device that lets you scale walls using hydraulic suction cups. It's called the Gekkomat, and it can be used to climb even on porous substances like brick; its creators hope to market them to emergency workers... and what greater emergency is there than thwarting the forces of darkness? [NOTE: I would like to point out, for the sake of accuracy, that the way geckos climb is actually far more interesting, as reported here. It seems that they adhere to walls using an intermolecular force known appropriately as the “van der Waals force.”]
• “In Brightest Day / In Blackest Night / No Evil Shall Escape My Sight”
  Of course, what nocturnal patrol would be complete without the proper eyewear? Night vision and thermal imaging extend your sight to include the full spectrum of good and evil. Don't recognize that foe? Need to know his Achilles' heel? Look it up on your wearable computer with stylish head-mounted display. If you are seriously hardcore about getting powers, you may soon be able to purchase super-sight; Bausch & Lomb is licensing research by University of Rochester vision scientist David Williams. This research uses advances astronomical telescope technology to improve vision to 20/10 and increase night-sight, and will be available with laser surgery.
• Shocking Fist!
  Here's something I dreamed up over a night of coffee at a Country Kitchen in the Midwest. Take a stun gun and affix it to a pair of insulated gloves. Rig up a pressure switch, and POW! whenever you punch someone, it delivers a shock as well. The same site also offers taser guns for a long-distance zap, but that's less super-heroic somehow.
• Man of Steel
  I have to guess that most criminals you will be fighting are not going to be wielding shrinking rays or amnesia guns, nor will they lock you in an “inescapable” death trap like a good villain should. They will instead rely, I suspect, on such gauche (albeit tried-and-true) methods as shooting you, or beating you with a blunt object. That's wear a nice set of body armor comes in; I recommend the X-2 Concealable, which apparently provides protection against stabbing, slashing, and shooting (and doesn't have those unflattering panty lines). Can't be too careful. There are some crazy people out there.
• Long Underwear
  Since we're talking about what to wear, I suppose it's time we got around to developing a costume (careful, kids, some of the pictures on that last link are racy). Latex seems to be Hollywood's answer, but there's got to be something better. I'll keep my eyes peeled. Update! Well, I found it: bulletproof fashionwear. Owing to the high murder rate in Colombia, Miguel Caballero Ltd. makes bulletproof T-shirts, jackets, sweaters, and raincoats (and presumably trenchcoats, for the more gothic supertypes out there). It's made with a Kevlar-like fiber called Aramida (which even sounds cool), and can be yours for $250 to $1,500. If the clothes themselves are in that price range, the fabric itself should be even cheaper. Get your Aunt May to break out her sewing machine.

Skills

There are loads of skills that superheroes display that can be learned by mere mortals such as we are, though obviously to a less puissant degree. So, as a superhero-in-training, you would do well to study some of the following:

• Martial Arts
  This one is pretty much a given. You're going to need some mad skilz to fight off four or five foes at once, and/or intimidate them into submission. Start here.
• Acrobatics
  I don't mean cartwheels. I'm talking Chinese-acrobat-since-the-age-of-two here. I'm talking backwards-flips-over-your-enemy's-head. I'm talking triple-swing-off-a-flagpole-onto-an-awning-after-having-been-thrown-off-a-rooftop. It's probably too late for you, at this point; you would most likely end up looking like a drunk, and get KO'd in the process. But still.

Super-Vehicles

It's a long-standing tradition for gadgeteer heroes to have equally tricked-out rides. I don't know of any jetpacks for sale (damn it! it's 2001! where are they?), but here are some appropriate (and appropriately exotic) chariots.

• Skycar
  Moller's M400 seems the ideal super-vehicle to me. Your mileage may vary.
• SoloTrek
  If you don't want a whole car, you can always opt for the ducted-fan exoskeleton for a more sleek and stylish arrival onto the scene of the crime.
• SmarTruck
  Only the U.S. military would commission a design for a James-Bond truck, with more weapons than it would be prudent to shake a stick at. Move over Humvee.
• alphaWorks TechMobile
  For those of you who tend toward the yuppie end of the superhero spectrum, IBM is working on an SUV Batmobile. It doesn't look like much, but it's tricked out with various techno-gizmos to automate car functions and provide an interface to your on-board weapons systems. Okay, it doesn't explicitly mention weapon systems, but that seems a natural extension of driving with a cell phone or 'Net connection.

The Name Game (or, What's in a Name?)

Naturally, you will need a nom de guerre, a moniker to protect your identity and to strike fear into the hearts of the cowardly, superstitious lot that you stalk. An evocation of your essence. I can personally recommend against any of the ones found here. If you are going to be a cyborg superhero, however, you can easily find a suitable name here. If you are at a loss as to what sort of superheroic role your temperament is best suited for, take this online test; it's a bit silly, but probably as accurate and helpful as your high-school guidance counselor.

A Hero's Hero

On NPR's This American Life, there aired on February 23, 2001 a beautiful set of four stories (which you can hear in Real Audio) called “Superpowers” (episode 178). I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me. I consider the second story, about a woman who strove all her life to become a superhero (and succeeded, sort of), a wake-up call to all you burgeoning crusaders out there. There is a transcript of the show that you should take as a how-to manual.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

Now, get out there and smite some evil!

All right, all right, just to cover my ass, here's a disclaimer: fighting evil is, strangely enough, probably illegal, and actually building or using any of the devices I've mentioned on this page is almost certainly dangerous at best. So don't blame me. Blame society.

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